So it has happened. We're married; she's cooking; and I'm gaining weight. Think not? Try 9 pounds since that fateful 3.21.09 date. And don't try to put it on the unlimited supply of drinks and food at the honeymoon resort. No, no. I shed that with my flu/pinkeye when I got back. But it's ok, i've started to accept it. The couch is comfortable. Our DirectTV gets reception 90% of the time and red wine keeps my heart healthy. Or at least that's what I thought until I used the restroom the other day. Without going into details that might scar readers and warping this blog into an R-rated affair, I'll simply say that I was leaving the restroom and notice that the left side of the toilet seat had a horizontal crack in it. Not a scratch, not a tweak - a seat breaking crack. And it wasn't there when I sat down on the toilet minutes earlier.
I broke...I cracked our toilet seat. Think about that for a minute. Toilet seats are built to withstand the worst environments. People's bums are soft by nature. Mine has extra cushioning these days. And I managed to crack it like a hammer to an egg. I wasn't really sure how to react. Semi-proud. Semi-amazed. Semi-embarrassed. But mostly in awe. Then I started to think about what my visit to Lowe's was going to be like. Would they ask why I needed a new toilet seat? Should I sit down on them in the store and "try them out" to make sure they could resist my power/force? One with a wide base? A narrow one to concentrate the support aspect? Should I get one with a cushion or does the next one need to be steel, industrial strength? Maybe white isn't the best color on me anyways - how about a beige one?
It was about this point when I started to realize how quickly the leather seats in my Jeep have stated to crack and age; how the foam on my side of the bed has a much starker imprint than my wife's. And so as I walked away from the ludicrous lavatory trip and headed back to the couch, my wine and the current episode of cnbc, I made a mental note to myself to start running again; that, and check my office chair at work to make sure it had proper support.
I broke...I cracked our toilet seat. Think about that for a minute. Toilet seats are built to withstand the worst environments. People's bums are soft by nature. Mine has extra cushioning these days. And I managed to crack it like a hammer to an egg. I wasn't really sure how to react. Semi-proud. Semi-amazed. Semi-embarrassed. But mostly in awe. Then I started to think about what my visit to Lowe's was going to be like. Would they ask why I needed a new toilet seat? Should I sit down on them in the store and "try them out" to make sure they could resist my power/force? One with a wide base? A narrow one to concentrate the support aspect? Should I get one with a cushion or does the next one need to be steel, industrial strength? Maybe white isn't the best color on me anyways - how about a beige one?
It was about this point when I started to realize how quickly the leather seats in my Jeep have stated to crack and age; how the foam on my side of the bed has a much starker imprint than my wife's. And so as I walked away from the ludicrous lavatory trip and headed back to the couch, my wine and the current episode of cnbc, I made a mental note to myself to start running again; that, and check my office chair at work to make sure it had proper support.
-the mister
4 comments:
This made me laugh out loud. Please come to carb day before you start running!!! - Kelly R
Wow, Son! That's quite a crack! Let's face it, that's just not normal. Is there even the remotest possiblity that you live on a seismic gap and that when you sat down it jarred a little earthquake activity, that you didn't feel because you were otherwise occupied? I think that should be your story and that you should stick to it! Love you, Skinny Mom
I'm going to try to make you feel better here. We have a new house with apparently cheap toilet seats (that's my story and I'm stickin' to it). We had two of them break and replaced them with Kohler. (I will not give the name of the broken ones in case someone from the company sees this and sues me for liable, but it starts with B and has 5 letters). The difference was that the "B" had only 2 flat, short supports under the seat and a lose attachment so it would slide off and on the rim. The Kohler has 4 long concave supports so it stays firmly on the rim. (I do hope someone from Kohler is reading and will hire me to do an endorsement)
Post a Comment